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Driving Around Dallas

02/22/2005

From an email. I know, it’s only funny if you live here, but it applies on so many levels.

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-US, not DAL-ISS.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules. . ."Hold on and pray”. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, “Get on Beltline”. . . which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Fort Worth.”

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators.

But wait, there's more...

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. PERIOD.
Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road. . . all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the South end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave. K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman, TX.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have an unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don’t let this confuse you.
The North Dallas Toll Way is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.
LBJ Freeway is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and “trap”.
If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. if it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.

If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is Spring, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. if it is Fall, the Texas State Fair is going on.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park.
Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. if some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his ‘yard’, run over him.

All amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

With these simple rules in mind, you are now ready to drive in Dallas. Please try and keep up.

Make it Stop

Alan • 8:36 AM • Humor
(2) Comments • Permalink

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