Everyone on American Idol has become such a parody of themselves - the host, the judges, the contestants and the hand-wavers in the audience.  No wonder people are turning away in disgust.  If it’s not Ryan giving his two-snaps-up intro, it’s Randy coming out in some Rainforest Cafe shirt, trying to hide all the weight he’s gained back from season one.  Add some college sorority girls to the front row who wouldn’t know a Dan Fogelberg song if it blasted in their iPods all day and you’ve got the makings of a disaster bigger than a damn cyclone in Myanmar.  Let’s try to get through it without wishing for the good, old days of Sanjaya or Bucky Covington and see how far that gets us. 

Poor David Archuleta.  Now that news of his oppressive and overbearing father has come to light, imagine the pain he’ll go through when he finally comes out of the closet.  He’ll be shipped off to ex-gay boot camp quicker than he can scream “But the carpet and drapes in the family room don’t go together!” I mean, this dad makes Terri Shields and Dina Lohan look like stage parents of the year.  Who needs parents anyway?  David has spread his wings and flown to Never-Neverland or something.  Probably the most consistent of the night, so he gets a half-snap up from this reviewer, even though he chose a stupid-ass Chris Brown song. 

We then come to the weekly fashion train wreck which is Syesha.  So, she decides to perform sans glitter, and apparently it’s the only thing propping her ass up in this competition.  Honestly, she picked “Fever” as her song?  This looked like something out of a stage production of “Chicago” and instead of giving me fever, I contracted a bad case of hives.  I feel like Sue Simmons from WNBC in NYC:

No need to apologize, Sue.  Syesha should have just done “Bye Bye Bye” from N’Sync ‘cause she’ll be singing that tonight anyway. 

It’s too bad that only one-third of David Cook‘s songs were decent.  I got all moist and shit from hearing “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” but I quickly dried myself after hearing the last two.  My ears couldn’t stand the assault, but he gets a one-third snap. 

It’s going to be two Davids in the finals and, mercifully, we’ll be done.  I hope I’m reincarnated in Burma so I never have to see their faces again.